I am a member of many different adoption groups online. Many to just share common experiences, milestones our children achieve, what has worked best etc. However a lot of them focus only on the positive and don't allow for a safe place to share the hardships and battles faced after you are home. I have been lucky to find one group that provides support and no judgement for all the craziness that is actually experienced, but many are afraid to share. And it is amazing! And because of this I feel it is only fair to share on here as well that although adoption has many wonderful blessings, it is not all "rainbow farting unicorns" as another amazing adoptive mama puts it.
You think you are making progress but really you are taking a small step forward and unknowingly being knocked back 3 spaces usually at the same time, but not to be revealed until later. Your sweet and loving children are really just masters of manipulation after years of having to survive in an orphanage in a country where no one cared about them enough to fight for them or even try to meet their basic needs. And now I am left to clean up the mess they have made, trying to teach a grown child that they are worthy of love, that they never deserved to be treated the way they were, that love isn't shown through physical pain. But it is so hard for them to hear and feel, being told they are worthy, and so they act out in self sabotage.
Because we say we are proud of something they are achieving they tell themselves this is what they have to keep these no matter what, and will do whatever they need to achieve this, and will now proceed to lie and cheat and hide what they are doing. Because they are subconsciously afraid that they will lose your approval or love, although they will never admit this is the reason. They will seek out old orphanage behaviors and coping mechanisms to help calm the emotions they feel inside, even though the emotions they are now feeling are positive. This is still just too much for them to feel or handle and so they revert to old behaviors because that was how they coped with all the anger,sadness and any emotion they felt before. Pretty much they learned to not feel, and if they did feel they shut it down as quickly as possible.
And during the holiday season this only becomes magnified by a million as they are reminded of the lives and memories they left behind as well as the lost childhood. And no matter how far they have come and been able to grow it will still break your heart seeing this self destruction and want to cause physical harm to the people in their past that made this his realty. But no matter what I will keep fighting and pushing forward and continuing to advocate for these children. Just remember it is not easy, it is not for everyone, it is hard and heartbreaking and totally worth it...even without the rainbow farting unicorns.