How can you take the place of a child's first mother? I struggle with this daily as an adoptive parent and mom. No matter what the circumstances leading up to a child, either losing a mother or being removed from them, they are still their mother. Their flesh and blood has created a bond that can never be broken. We all have this deep and innate desire to be loved, wanted and accepted by our mothers, and this doesn't go away with age. Even if our mothers weren't nurturing, loving, or in some cases were abusive or neglectful, people can't help but still desire their mother's to love them.
I have a very difficult time dealing with this fact, from the adoptive mom perspective. I understand it and appreciate it, but it also tears me up inside. Having to fight for my son to desire this from me and not the mother that abused and neglected him. At times, I feel like no matter what I do, he may never look at me as his "mother", even though he may call me mom. And it makes me angry knowing how he was treated as a child, and have a strong negative opinion towards his first mother as I would towards any mother treating their child that way. But how do you get to a point where you can accept this as a factual way life is, where you can be okay with these emotions and know you are doing everything you can to show them what a mothers love should look like. Almost overcompensating for what he lacked as a child.
For other adoptive parents, how many of your children have contact with their birth moms? Does it help or bring hinderence to your relationship with them? I wonder if those with children adopted at a younger age face this issue as much, either because they weren't with their biological parents for long or they have little memory of that time. I do think there is a correlation between the longer a child was with their biological parents in a negative situation and the ability for them to form healthy attachments and bonds with their new family, as well as having the ability to truly let go of the past and move on.
And despite all of this, I wouldn't change our lives for anything. I love my son, and all of the stress and changes that adoption has brought to our life. It is a hard road, an uphill battle, but I do see those moments of hope and experience the change in him because he has a family that supports and loves him unconditionally. Even when the little kids are driving him nuts, banging on his door, it is because they love him so much and just want to be near him.
I don't know if it is my age (I'm only 31 though) or what it is, but lately I have been having a deep yearning of being a new mom again. Whether a biological child (though I highly doubt this as I am not great pregnant) or through adoption, I feel drawn to the idea of adding another child into our crazy messy lives. Our two youngest still get up in the night needing hugs then have to be walked back to their rooms, leaving us parents with interrupted sleep. Our oldest isn't appreciative and rarely says thank you. My 6 year old is in constant emotional meltdown. Oh, and 3 year old thinks he is the Hulk.
Bet yet, they are all amazing. They are all loved deeply, hugged and kissed daily, safe with a roof over their heads and tucked in at night. They have parents that will love and protect them until the day they die. And all I can think is, why not one more? Why not love another child and show them they are wanted and worthy, even amidst the chaos of tears and broken toys. So I continue to pester my poor husband and pray for guidance in knowing if this is my own selfish desires or Gods desire for me and our family. Only time will tell...